my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
