I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
