Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Randomize
