rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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