oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
