The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
