I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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