So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Randomize
