singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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