It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Randomize
