He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
