I accidentally burped into my bong.
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
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