Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Randomize
