I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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