today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
