Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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