go do what you do best...puke behind churches
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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