I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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