You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
