I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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