id be glad to
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Someone came in the potted fern
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Randomize
