I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Randomize
