i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
