you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
