I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
