I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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