I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
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