If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
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The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
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He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
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