My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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