You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Randomize
