Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Randomize
