i'm signing you up for texting rehab
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
