i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
