We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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