I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Randomize
