The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
