wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Randomize
