I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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