You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
i would one night stand the shit outta him
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
