I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
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