Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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