Kareoke will never be a sober sport
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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