I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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