were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
