My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
