just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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