It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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