just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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