so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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