some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
