why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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