Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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