You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
