If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I cannot find my penis.
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
