my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Randomize
