Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Just cropdusted the office
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
