I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
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once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
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i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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