the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
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